She wont leave him
anonymous Asks ...
My 20 year old daughter's husband is an alcoholic and a drug addict. I don't know what exactly he takes but whatever it is is it makes him very unstable. He goes through periods of months when he is Ok and is a likable fellow but then he'll do a 180 and get into using and he gets mean and he beats her. she won't exactly admit that he does but she won't deny it either and the evidence is tragically plain for all to see. We have seen him high enough times to have little doubt about his situation. She won't leave him even though I tell her he will never change. Once a wife beater always a wife beater. How do I convince her to see that this situation is never going to get better. Every time she leaves him he begs her to come back and they reconcile and then the pattern repeats all over again. It's tearing our family apart to watch this and feel powerless to do anything about it. How can I get her to understand that this guy is a junky and he is never going to stop abusing her?
Jill Edwards Says ...
Your daughter believes that by helping her husband, she can make him better and cure him of his illness. As you said there is a cycle in which they will separate and then come together her partner fees guilt for his behaviour and hope that he can get better and wants to have a partner back. Those times when they come back together are really nice for your daughter. He is good to her and they feel close. Then the problems start back, just little by little until he will go off and take drugs and in his disappointment, he will go back to hitting her and she will withdraw. You did not tell me whether there are children involved. If they are then you can take action to get the Social Services involved but you would do better doing this with your daughter's involvement in the process.
You could suggest that your daughter consult the nearest domestic violence agency and get some ongoing support from them. It is a matter of re-educating her and getting her confidence back so she can feel able to take some different actions. She is not in an easy position when there is someone who is having to control her in order to carry on with his drug habit.
For yourselves, I would suggest that you start meeting with either Families Anonymous (drugs) or Al-Anon. These are twelve step programmes which help you to bear the pain of living with this addiction and how it is affecting you. You will get support and learn new ways of dealing with the issues involved. It is inspiring to listen to the way people have learnt effective ways of getting their lives back on track and helped their loved ones in ways they had not realised before. The Families Anonymous help line is on 0845 1200 660.
Take care and good wishes. You are in for the long haul. Jill Edwards. You can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org and see my website at www.invitationtotalk.co.uk