Cheating Husband
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anonymous Asks ...
I just left my husband after finding some texts on his phone from another woman. He eventually confessed to cheating but I didn’t really need his confession as he has cheated on me so many times in the past I am beyond believing his lies anymore.
He says he loves me and the other women don’t mean anything to him beyond sex and I think I do believe this. He says he thinks he’s got a sex addiction and that he is willing to go and get help for it if only I will come back to him.
How can I know if he really has a sex addiction problem and that he’ll be able to get help and change? -
Rob Weiss Says ...
It sounds as if you still have some investment in the relationship despite the fact that you left your husband. That investment may only go as far as wishing him to be well because you care about him – or it may extend to wanting to be back with him if he does change his behavior and commit to getting well. In either case, he needs to be seeing a qualified professional to get at the root of his chronic infidelity.
We recommend you not move back in with him until he has shown a commitment to treatment. A loving human being is not a carrot or stick for recovery – if he wants to get well he will seek out help without making it contingent upon you going back to him, then he will invite you in to see the work he’s been doing.
You should ask to sit in on some of those sessions once he’s gotten started so you can get some direction on whether it might make sense to get involved in couples work or betrayed spouses support group.
For the first few months it is best not to meet with him outside a therapeutic setting as you may be too vulnerable and he may be manipulating you.
There are some underlying questions you seem to be asking – is this really a problem or is my husband just a bad person? Can I actually hope for a committed relationship or is he always just going to hurt me?
I would say to you that love is behavior, not words. It’s actions. So if you perceive him growing and changing and committed to a path that involves therapy and 12-step meetings for at least a year or more, if his behavior tells you he is trying to get well, then it’s likely he will come around.
Just as a heroin addict steals, lies, and cheats in pursuit of heroin, but in recovery will be a loving family member, so does the active sex addict lie and hurt their loved ones, but in recovery can be what you always hoped they would be.
However, you may also find out he isn’t someone who can commit to changing his behavior and following through on his commitment to healing. Either way, by insisting upon professional treatment by someone specifically qualified to treat sex addiction, you will have the information you need. If he goes willingly and actively participates that tells you one thing. If he complains, whines, and dismisses the value of treatment and 12-step support, that tells you quite another.
I suggest you visit the SASH.net website to find a qualified sex addiction therapist in your area.
The most important thing to remember always is what I said earlier: Love is not words, it’s behavior and actions.
