Married, but I think about having sex with hookers all of the time
anonymous Asks ...
I am not sexually aroused by my wife anymore. There is nothing wrong with her and she still looks great but it is very hard for me even to get an erection with her any more. The problem is I have started using pay for play services and I love the rush of an anonymous sexual encounter. I am paying for it twice or three times a week and I am fantasizing about it all of the time. I think about having sex with hookers all of the time and it’s hard for me to resist my urges when I start thinking about meeting with someone. Things are getting out of control and I am worried about my marriage but I can’t seem to stop myself. What do I do? Right now it is so hard on my wife because she just blames herself and I don’t know what to tell her so that she will feel OK. I feel like such an ass and then a few hours later I will go out and do it all over again.
Dr. Lani Chin Says ...
Thank you for your post. It sounds like you're going through a difficult time and I hope you'll find my response helpful.
First of all, does your wife know what's going on? It's hard to tell because you say your wife blames herself. I'm unsure if you're needing help with decreasing your urges to engage in pay for play services, help with your marriage, or help with being attracted to your wife again. I would assume you want some combination of all of these.
It would be best for you to think about what you're gaining from pay to play services. When you say you "can't stop thinking about it" it sounds like you may have a mild form of sex addiction. Do your thoughts affect your life in some significant way? Are you spending an excessive amount of money paying for sex and is this impeding your day to day life? If so, you may want to look into getting treatment for sex addiction.
Additionally, the issues you have with your wife can be addressed in couples therapy. Are you two going to remain in the marriage or are you not telling her what's going on? It's difficult to know what you're needing without more information.
Nothing I can say to you will help increase your arousal and nothing I can say that will help rebuild your marriage. It sounds like you need some combination of individual therapy to explore your potential sex addiction and couples therapy to address the issues going on between you and your wife.
Good luck to you.