Trust and Intimacy
anonymous Asks ...
Hello, I have a question regarding a 2.5 month relationship with a man I am in. I waited for 2 months before finally being so attracted to him to have sex. I wanted to get to know him first. I saw things I liked and didn't like and ultimately although ideally I'd like to wait even longer to get to know him, I knew his main strengths and weaknesses. I am 40 and he 43 and so I was thinking marriage with people I date, but given his credit/debt issues, and needing to see if he is aggressive side is just moodiness men can have or more, I decided I really was attracted to him physically & mentally but wanted to wait for marriage; after 2 months he gave me a promise ring, but I still didn't sleep wt him right away so he knows he can't dangle that in front of my face to get me into bed; but at one point he did get very angry with me because in his mind he had shown his commitment so what was the problem; given that we were both attracted he had a point but I didn't want to be pressured so I waited a bit longer and went with it when I wanted to and was ready. I had him tested and he is clean but because of our ups and downs at the start of this relationship and as trust i s not strong partially because I don't and never have trusted easily coming from a divorced household, and partially because he has an adventurous style and I haven't known him for long enough, I am worried we had sex without a condom and even when I got condoms (he does pull out), what if he is not loyal then I could catch an STD after he got tested and I saw the results; he hates then condom and to be honest with you I don't like it either; I dont' want to force him but don't want to catch anything either if trust is not as high as it coulld be. I have heard from someone who knows him at a party he is very loyal and he says he is but I need to knwo him long enough to know this for sure because couple times so far when we got into fights I told him let's take a break or it may have appeared like we had broken up (what if he did anything with someone during these times) I am aware & working on my trust but he has a high sex drive and ego so I don't want to gamble with my health. what should I do to protect myself? get a female condom? funny thing is with the pull out method I am not so worried about pregnancy as I have always wanted a child and I think if it happens I have a choice to abort or keep it. My first concern are catching diseases. Or should I insist even if he cant' cum we have sex with a condom anyway and try our best; last time I insisted on condoms he bought them and brought them and after a minute took it off and said he 'd put it on at later stage, but he didn't. it bothered me, but at same time I didn't love the feel either, and worried if he really can't cum with one on, it could cause problems and end of the relationship? or am I wrong in thinking that, and is it just an excuse he can't cum wt a condom on? please help I don't want myhealth in jeopardy but I don't want to be paranoid either if I asked him to be tested and he did it and showed me the results. How do increase trust to such a high level that we can actually do it without condoms? but thing is even we do that from here on, during those fights and me saying let's take a break from relationship which lasted less than 48 hours because he was still calling me, he could have had sexual contact with others thinking we are on a break?? this is mentally and emotionally draining me I am stressed, my body is showing it I had a cold sore, and now some white sores in my mouth and stomach problems (i had a pregnancy test done after first time sex/pull out so stomach problems not pregnancy, and pulling out seems to work for me and many others to not get pregnant, I also have RX for pills if I am too concerned re this, my major concerns are STDS if someone is not faithful), so it's a question of 100% trust in this man right now.
Dyan Kolb Says ...
Hi there. Yes, after reading your concerns, it sounds like many things worry you about both your health and your ability to trust in a relationship, particularly this one. I also sense that your personal value system is compromised (feelings about premarital sex) that your partner may be somewhat impatient with your choice to wait on having sex. Also, your concerns raise some fair medical questions that will better be answered by a medical doctor, particularly an OBGYN. Have an MD check on the physical symptoms that you are reporting and follow medical advice.
I would like to say that trust does take a fair amount of time to establish with a person. Especially if trust has been an issue that one has struggled with in childhood. You mentioned that you come from a divorced family and there could be other factors along the way that has contributed to the challenge for you to trust someone. It could be helpful for you to keep the communication/discussion open with your partner about these issues, especially as you are getting to know him. I think that many women believe that it is important to be able to feel like they can trust their partners (both physically and emotionally) before feeling fully ready to engage sexually with others in a committed relationship. Some women may believe that the sexual experience would be better over all once that trust has been established.
Many factors go into establishing and maintaining trust, and patience, understanding and respect are a few of those things. It sounds like your partner is not very respectful of your needs. It also sounds like the physical attraction is present for both of you, which is a wonderful thing, but if you feel rushed/pressured or disrespected, (him not using condoms, and/or removing them during sex despite your request to use them) than I would suggest that you reconsider your involvement in this relationship with this person.
I'm sure that there are many great qualities about your partner, just be mindful of your value system and if you feel as though your needs and concerns are being respected in this relationship.