Alanon & The family
anonymous Asks ...
My daughter is married to an alcoholic. OK. We have accepted her choice but we do not understand it. Actually our relationship is quite strained now because we tried to stop her from marrying this man and now they both resent us. They have been married for 6 months. Now she is drinking a lot more than she used to. She told my other daughter that they get along better if she has a couple of drinks with him every night. I am worried that he is dragging her down with him but anything I try to say to her about it just sounds like I am trying to split them up again and so she won’t even listen to us. My daughter sees how things are with us and she doesn’t want to get involved. What can we do to save her?
Jennifer Hamilton Says ...
Your daughter may be taking the "if you can't beat him, join him" path. I recommend you find a good Al-anon meeting in your area, call the Alcoholics Anonymous number in your phone book and ask for meeting times and places. Al-anon is for the family members of alcoholics.
You need to understand how to help and not to enable. Sometimes your family member does reject your help. It may be beneficial to attempt to heal the relationship between you, your husband and your daughter so that when her marriage begins to have problems, she will turn to you. As things stand now, she will probably not do so. It can be hard to watch your child make what you see as a mistake.
Just know that sometimes God (or your higher power) has a bigger plan in all of it. If you pray, pray for your daughter and her husband. Attempt to make amends when possible. Either keep quiet about what you think or cut her off if you can't stand to watch it. If you cut her off, know that she may have to fall very hard before she will ever come to you. There is no perfect answer to this.
You may also want to work with a counselor in your area who is familiar with addiction so they can guide you step by step.