Wife Picking up the Pieces after Rehab
anonymous Asks ...
my husband is in an inpatient treatment facility getting help for crack/cocaine/soboxone/xanax. Before he left he left a trail of damage that hasnt been dealt with leaving me angry and alone once again. I want him to get the help he needs and live a successful sober life together. My question is when is it ok to bring up the issues that are left up in the air. I dont want to set him off or trigger a relapse when he comes home but there are serious issues that i feel i need to deal with and unanswered questions about things that happened before he left. He wants me to come and visit which requires a 2 day class to understand what he is going through and addiction. i plan to do whatever it takes to support him but there is no class for him to take that explains what i am going through because of his actions. When does it stop being all about the addict? Is there ever a day that happens? I need things to be about healing and repairing damage that i have been through as well
Anna Deeds Says ...
Thank you for your question. You are absolutely right that everything cannot be about the addict. As his wife, his addiction has affected you in many ways. I suggest you start going to Nar-Anon meetings for support and to deal with your feelings about having an addict for a husband. Use the link to find a meeting in your area.
Part of recovery is learning to deal with the mess you have made and taking responsibility for your actions. I do understand your concerns about pushing him to deal with things too soon. Too much pressure can lead to relapse but only if the addict is not reaching out for help from the recovery community or addressing their ability to handle stress. He should be addressing many of these issues in rehab and learning how to deal with them without relapsing.
I suggest you bring these issues up with the staff of the rehab when you visit. The staff will better know how well your husband is progressing and how much he can handle. It sounds like a good rehab that they have you take a class before you visit. I suspect many of these issues will be addressed there. And you will probably have the opportunity to ask questions. Ask them if he is ready to handle some of the issues you need to discuss. And if not, ask when would be a good time to address them.
I also think you should both go to counseling when he returns home. Counseling will help you start to heal and can help you deal with some of the issues that are still unresolved. It may take time to resolve the many issues that result from an addiction. Take one thing at a time, prioritizing the most pressing issues first. Process your feelings about everything that has happened with individual counseling and Nar-Anon meetings. Your husband may need an individual counselor and you both may need couples counseling to deal with healing your relationship.
It sounds like you have patience and are willing to put work into repairing the relationship. If your husband is as willing, you should be able to resolve these issues in time and have a healthier, stronger relationship. Good luck to your husband with his recovery and good luck to you with yours!