How Can I Tell If My Fiancee Really Loves Me?
anonymous Asks ...
My fiancée says she loves me and I love her completely but there are a lot of times when I do not believe her. She simply doesn’t act like it. I have no real money or anything like that so there is no reason for her to be marrying me other than because she wants to. Is there some way I can find out if she really loves me for real? What is the number one sign that proves a person loves another?
Mark Hughes Says ...
There is no "test" for love, thank goodness! Your question echoes the scientific attitude that is prevalent in society, and while science could measure levels of chemicals and hormones in various parts of your fiancee's body, it will not give you a satisfactory answer.
Partly because a human being is too complex to be reduced to crude incomplete measurements. By the way, I studied science in depth before training as a counsellor - so I am not anti-science. I believe it is important and can help us in many ways, but it has its limits!
Another reason there is no way to test love, is that it is not just about her. Love is always two, and in fact one of the most wonderful things about intimate relationship is that it can teach us this, as well as shine a light into the dark corners within ourself.
This I think is one way to see what is happening to you. Perhaps you can't be sure you love her until you know she loves you? I suggest you consider why are you asking for certainty about her love, because nothing she says or does can make you certain if there is doubt within you, and frankly there always will be somewhere. Doubt is healthy, but we don't like the feelings, so it is common to find ways of ignoring the doubt or putting off facing it as long as possible. Consider why you want to know this now, but were able to accept her love or ignore the doubt for so long.
Can you see how the question can't be answered without considering yourself. Why I say this is about both of you? If you can step back for a moment, try to reflect on your question: see what feelings are there inside you in your not knowing for sure if she really loves you. Be curious and wonder what this might says about you.
Perhaps you could tell her how you feel about this, and that you would like to be certain she loves you? This is likely to be scary - because just like marrying you are going to have to take a risk with your precious and vulnerable heart. To risk being hurt if she doesn't love you, or if she does things which make you feel like she doesn't even though she does. That is relationship I'm afraid, at least that is intimacy, which is I think what we most want in a relationship, but which is often very difficult to bear. Intimacy is both a wonderful connection with another, but since it means opening ourselves and being vulnerable, it is both scary and leaves us easily hurt, very sensitive to things that our partner says or does.
I'm sorry, but I can't tell you how to tell if she loves you, and nor can anyone else. Even she may have doubts - don't you sometimes? If not yet, then one day you are bound to, because every relationship has its difficulties and with that comes doubt. The best way, and one of the beautiful benefits of an intimate relationship is that we can learn how to sail through the difficult periods, the emotions, the doubting or hurtful thoughts, be becoming intimate with ourselves - as I suggested earlier (above).
In time you can become less blown about by the storms inside you, and can begin to sense what is your own, and what is really linked to your partner.
You question is not unusual at this stage in relationship, but if your doubts or feelings become problematic, you may find counselling helpful, either as a couple or for yourself to explore what they mean for you, and help you find your way.
I wish you well and hope you'll find much joy in your relationship, and give yourself credit for the courage it takes to be open to another, to be vulnerable. In my opinion, this is far more difficult than the "macho" ideas we have about men and courage, which tend to be a result of training or conditioning, and less about choice and truly facing feelings of fear, or even terror that lurk within an intimate relationship.
Love has a lot to teach us, but is something we will never understand scientifically :-)