anonymous Asks ...
I am 28 and I have never even kissed a girl. I have no confidence around girls and it is so humiliating to be a virgin at my age. I really feel like a loser. I can’t even talk to strippers who are paid to at least pretend to like me as they try to sell me lap dances. What do I do?
Jill Edwards Says ...
This is one of those problems which is not solved by, if you will pardon the expression, a full frontal attack. I should like you to think about the areas of your life where you are feeling more comfortable. You would be well advised to think about what else is important, interesting or significant for you. Knowing something about the other things in life that you would like to be involved in, will give you a focus for activity and progress and this will help your ideas about yourself.
At the moment, everytime you think about girls you also think about having no confidence and all your activity in that area makes you less confident rather than more confident. You could also do some internet dating, that is you could engage in on-line conversation which could boost your confidence, but in those conversations, you should not make sexual comments of any kind. This would give you the chance to know someone without having sex and your “lack of confidence” get in the way of getting to know women.
You can also join with any activities where there are girls and men, but you should focus on the activity, not the contact with girls, till you have got used to their being around and you have had a chance to assess them as to what kind of people they are.
If you have been involved with pornography, then you should allow that activity to tail off. It will also just remind you that you do not have a partner. The essence of how to work with this problem is to focus on friendship and common interests and take your focus off of yourself. From that can build a commonality of being together which will be a more secure basis for beginning a physical coming together. And all this should progress very slowly, so that both of your feel safe.
I would be happy to work further with you by e-mail, if you would like to. Have a look at my website at www.invitationtotalk.co.uk. Working by e-mail only, I would charge £25 per e-mail reply and you would send me the money via paypal using my email address firstname.lastname@example.org.